I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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