I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
