I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
