So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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