my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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