i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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