Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
