Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
