So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
It's official drugs can't kill me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
