i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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