checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
