I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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