he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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