How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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