oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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