I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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