So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
