I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
