i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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