yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
