Only a mothe r could love this liver
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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