Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
