The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
