My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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