I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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