I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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