I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
