So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
