im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
