Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
