Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
