pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
