you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
