how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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