well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
