I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
