There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
