guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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