I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
