So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
