New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
