Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
