Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
