He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
