my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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