I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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