My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
