I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
