Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
