You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
